Harry Potter and the Very Random Plot
by devilsviXXXen
Summary: No plot. Funnier than a gerbil begging for mercy. Nothing but randomness, some cursing, and maybe some smut. Only if I feel smutty that day. Read. Pwease?
1. Capitulo Uno

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**Harry Potter and the Very Random Plot.******

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_Chapter One: Capitulo Uno_

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**Disclaimer:** Do I look like J.K Rowling to you?? (shoves hair into your face) IS THIS RED?? (rubs stomach) AM I PREGNANT?? noooo! (mom sneaks up behind me) I SURE DAMN HOPE YOU AINT!! (whimpers in fear)  
  
**A/N:** OKAYKAYKAY, LADEES AND GENTLEPIGS! This is a very random and awkward story written by yours truely, Me! It has NO plot whatsoever, but, I assume that its kind of funny, since I obviously entered this into the "Humor" and "Parody" categories. All the characters are OOC, (maybe except the special appreance of Me, coming in later chapters...). So, read away, and don't eat your snot!

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Harry was half-asleep in his dormitory. He had been dreaming of having his own book series written by a woman who just happened to be named J.K Rowling. Anyway, He looked over at his clock. It showed 56:30 A.M (Muggle and Wizard time differ in my story by 55 hours). Suddenly, he heard a loud THUMP. He slowly took the wand from his bedside table and put on his glasses (although he cant see shit in the dark) and started to tip-toe his way to the outside of the dormitory. When his toes got a cramp, he decided to walk normally.  
  
"Who be there?" asked Harry in a ghetto voice as he stumbled (and I mean this literally) to the Common Room.  
  
Out of nowhere, a large, 7 foot olive-colored monkey arose from the ground that was hiding in the shadows of the corner. He started headbanging.  
  
Harry blinked. He never saw such a sight. He immediately feel in love with this monkey.  
  
"OH BABY, WHERE YOU BE ALL MAH LYFE?" Harry said as he humped the rocker monkey.  
  
The monkey was startled by all this affection so he threw himself into the small lake that was strategically placed by the author of this story directly across from the fireplace.  
  
Harry cried.  
  
Hermione came out of her dorm and studied Harry for a moment. Then, after long hard thought, she came to the conclusion that he was crying.  
  
"Que pasa mufasa?" she asked while doing the robot.  
  
"HE BE GONE! MAH HOMIE JUST BE TRIPPIN ALL UP IN MAH BOO!" he said as he cried some more.  
  
Alicia Keys and Usher came out of nowhere and started singing "My Boo". Ron came out and threw his own poo at them and screeching like a monkey so they can leave. And it just so happens that they did. Harry sobbed even more at the sound of monkey sounds.  
  
Ron smiled. and offered Harry some noodles. Harry declined, and Ron threw his own poo and screeched like a monkey at him. Harry had a titty fit and sobbed some more.  
  
"Ayyy, Ron, No puedes treat Harry asi!!" she said while licking a stamp.  
  
Ron smiled. and said, "Wuld joo lyke sum soup wit dat?"  
  
Hermione threw her own poo at him and screeched like a gerbil and he skipped merrily out of the Common Room and out to the hall. He stripped completely naked, and ran down the hall singing "If You Like Pina Colada" which by the way, he does!  
  
Colin Creevy came out from behind the couch where he was secretly taking pictures and yelled, "YOU GUYS ARE FREAKS! AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE IN THIS STORY?" and tried to balance his camera on his head but it fell on his foot and he died instantly.  
  
Hermione gasped and said, "AY! El Creevy se murio! Let's give him un funeral." Hermione threw a daisy on him and burped. Harry stopped crying and stood up to rub Hermione's boob.  
  
"Daaaamn gurl!! You be sittin on 36 D's??" He said with shock.  
  
"Ayy, Harry tu eres muy perverted!" She said while smacking him and going back to sleep. "Voy back to sleep! Adios!"  
  
Harry stood there, completely still, for about 3 hours. Then, he realized that it was exactly 59:50 A.M, he returned to his room and went back to sleep.  
  
He dreamt that he was eating an enchilida.


	2. Untitled Because The Author Is Not Creat...

**Harry Potter and the Very Random Plot.

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_Chapter Dos: Untitled Because the Author is Not Creative_

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**Disclaimer**: (Channel 6 news comes on) Today's top story! Author of the Harry Potter books, Vanessa, is now starting to write her newest novel, Harry Potter and the Very Random Plot. (wakes up from dream) I DON'T OWN ANYTHANG MUTHA TRUCKAS! 

**A/N**: (giggles) hi.

**ANOTHER A/N:** Oh, and about last chapter, when I said "Ron smiled like this:" I was supposed to put a little smiley face thingy made with certain symbols that wont let me type. (pouts) AND it won't let me write the asterisk.

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Harry woke up and found a naked Hermione lying next to him.

"Hermione! Que are you doing aqui???" he asked while perplexed at his new accent.

"BOYY, don't you be yellin' at me lyke I be yo bitch!" she said while peeling a bannana.

Harry went to the bathroom. Then after tripping various times on the rug and on other funiture, he scuttled back to the bedstand to put his glasses and fuzzy pink Dora the Explorer slippers. Hermione gawked at these slippers.

"BOYY, can I be asking you a lil' sumthin sumthin?" Hermione yelled, which really wasn't necessary.

"Si senora!" he yelled back.

Suddenly, the whole room turned into kind of a physciatrist's office. Hermione wore a business suit with intellectual-looking glasses and her hair in a bun. She crossed her legs and began writing notes in her clipboard.

"Tell me Mr. Harry James Potter, are you homosexual?" she inquired.

"No! Really, I'm not! I'm what you call a 'metrosexual'." he said in a matter-of-factlyness voice.

Hermione shrugged and threw the clipboard she was holding over her shoulder and took off her glasses. Everything turned back to normal.

"Aiight then, homie, if you be sayin so."

Harry looked at the clock. "Dios de mi vida! It's 67:35!" (Remember, off by 55 hours.) Harry jumped on his bed and started dancing disco. When he got tired, which was by about 67:45, he went downstairs and saw Ron making love to Parvati Patil.

"TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA, LAD!" he screamed.

"Ron, tu no sabes that today we have classes?" he asked Ron, who stopped making love to Pavarti and started making love to the couch.

"Lad, lemme tell you a story about when I was a wee little rascal..." he continued.

Harry ignored Ron and went straight to his Defense Against the Dark Arts class (still in his pajamas) with this year's new teacher, Professor LeeLee. When he got to the class, Prof. LeeLee was sitting at her desk with ginormous earphones on.

"Papa smurf can I lick yo ass? LICK MAH ASS BITCH!" she yelled. She noticed Harry was sitting quietly in the middle of the classroom, (he was the only one since all the other students are off fucking each other.....OR, eating papayas)

She quickly took off the earphones and went over to Harry's desk and stared at him. "Merlin! You must be the famous Harry Potter! Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts!" Harry smiled as she went back to her desk.

Professor LeeLee started writing notes on a long piece of parchment. She looked up, went over to his desk and said, "Merlin! You must be the famous Harry Potter! Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts!" and sat right back down. A few minutes later, she looked up, went over to his desk, stared at him and said, "Merlin! You must be the famous Harry Potter! Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts!"

Harry sighed as he picked up his books to head for the library. Halfway to the library, he stood in the middle of the hall and hugged Draco Malfoy who was standing nearby. They started singing....

_"IF I WERE GAY I WOULD GIVE YOU MY HEART _

_AND IF I WERE GAY YOU'D BE MY WORK OF ART _

_AND IF I WERE GAY WE WOULD TEAR DOWN THE WALLS _

_BUT I'M GAY, SO WON'T YOU STOP CUPPING MY......HAND!"_

Professor McGonagall and the Headmaster passed by during all this singing. "Well that was random!" said a flustered Mrs. McGonagall

"Well, Sally, that's the whole point of this story!" said Dumbledore

"Whatchu just call me? You be hanging out with all them hoes? Can't even 'member mah name??" she said as she farted on Dumbledore and ran away yelling.

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**A/N:** ...and then the dish ran away with the fork ...O.O 


End file.
